Here Comes The… – Flash Fiction

The bride wore a second-hand wedding dress from Vinnies that had to be altered. The groom wore a clip-on tie and no pants.

‘Cut!’ the videographer shouts at his assistant like he’s directing some Hollywood blockbuster instead of filming the most ridiculous wedding in history.

I’ve been in the wedding photography business for longer than I care to admit, so I’ve honed my ability not to judge people on their special day – or at least not to appear like I am.

There was the couple dressed as Hobbits who said their vows in Elvish. The bride who wore a full replica of Princess Di’s dress but in acid-yellow. And the groom who insisted on doing a jazzercise routine for the bridal dance, stripping off to an eighties leotard he wore under his suit.  

Then there have been the weddings where you wonder whether loving the other person is actually a prerequisite for getting married. 

I photographed a wedding once where the bride stabbed her new husband with a steak knife over how hot he said one of the bridesmaids looked. 

From the weird to ‘WTF were they thinking’, I thought I’d seen it all but this wedding is a whole new “Tiger King” level of crazy. 

The ceremony was a farce with neither the bride or groom bothering to make eye contact during the vows that were punctuated by snorts and grunts.

The kiss at the end of the ceremony was awkward and forced.

‘Should we get a close up of the bride and groom?’ the wedding organiser asks.

The bride grins at me with oversized teeth, which protrude from her lower jaw. Something green is stuck between them. 

The groom looks like he’s been to the same hairdresser as Boris Johnson. And there’s a distinct wet-dog smell wafting from his direction.

‘I think I’m fine from here,’ I say. ‘I’ve got the zoom—’

‘A close-up, please,’ the organiser insists, ‘I want to give the local paper lots of options.’  

I nod encouragingly at the couple as I approach them, but at that exact moment the groom spits. The foul smelling spittle landing on my suede boot.

I fire off a couple of shots and retreat back to safety.

‘I think I have everything I need,’ I say as I try and wipe my boot clean on the grass.

‘Are you sure? We could try and get another one with the whole family. We can put the bride’s mother and father on opposite sides this time so they don’t kick each other.’

‘I’m sorry, but I have to go to another job now.’

The organiser glances at her watch. ‘Oh…I didn’t think it would take you that long.’

I grit my teeth. ‘The next time I’m asked to photograph an alpaca wedding, I’ll be better prepared.’ 

It’s been hard times for the petting zoo since Covid and I know they need publicity. I just wish they hadn’t called me.

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Photo by Alejandro Avila via Pexels.

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